"Cube" Movie Review

Starring Nicole de Boer, Maurice Dean Wint, David Hewlett, and Andrew Miller

It's been... gosh, nearly two weeks since I saw this movie, and I still haven't been able to come up with anything clever to say. It's THAT bad, folks; so bad, there's just no way to make fun of it.

For once, my friends and I were subjected to a stinker of a movie and it WASN'T at my behest. In fact, I argued against it. "It's a Sci Fi Channel movie," I bleated. "Remember "Convict 762"? Remember "Sleeping Dogs"? Sci Fi Channel movies stink, it's a fact of life!"

It was a rather disorienting role reversal for me, being the person arguing against a movie on the grounds that it would probably suck. This is not my station in life, and frankly, when we finished the movie and I turned to my friends and said, "See? I told you that was gonna suck!" it put the hair up on the back of my neck.

That's how bad this movie is.

Here's the deal. Six people wake up one morning inside a room with six high-tech doors. The kind of doors where you dog the handle, it makes a big CHUNK-WHOOF noise, and then you pull it out from the wall.

The doors lead to narrow passageways which lead to other rooms. Some of the rooms are booby-trapped. Some aren't. Why are they there? Where should they go? What should they do?

Who cares?

Not me.

It didn't help that the primary plot twists revolved around MATH. It EXTRA didn't help that the dialogue clunked and sputtered worse than my car going up a steep hill. It DOUBLE-EXTRA didn't help that the acting was stiff and the delivery of said sucky dialogue was forced and stilted. And it TRIPLE-EXTRA didn't help that the scriptwriters saw fit to include these huge chunks of pseudo-philosophical discussion on the Meaning of Life and Whether Or Not We Have A Purpose.

Oh god, spare me.

Final score: no points